Remember when you were a kid and getting to the toilet in the middle of the night was a scary thought?! It's possible that is was haunted!
The thriller and action/adventure writer, Richard C Hale has outlined "10 Tips to know if your bathroom is haunted". (2012)
We all use the bathroom (at least I hope we do) and a lot of us have been in there when something unexplained has happened. I know for a fact that when the toilet flushes all by itself, it’s unexplained. Or a bad valve. But when you’re sitting (standing) there all alone, it can be pretty creepy. Especially if it’s accompanied by some weird voice asking you for a courtesy flush. Sheesh!
So, if you are concerned your bathroom is haunted, how can you tell? Hire a medium? Conduct a seance? Tap into your inner, misunderstood ESP talent? Don’t even bother. Here are a few tried and true tips to determine if your privy is possessed by a pesky poltergeist.
1. THE TOILET FLUSHES BY ITSELF
As mentioned above, if the valve is good or has just been replaced, rest assured your mischievous entity is not enjoying your company. A courtesy flush was in order and you failed to provide it in a timely manner. Just saying.
2. YOU CAN SEE MYSTERIOUS MESSAGES WRITTEN IN THE SHOWER DOOR
These only appear after a long, hot shower or bath. The condensation seems to act as a reagent on the residue left by the offenders finger. The most common message is “GET OUT!” See above about a courtesy flush.
3. THE TOILET PAPER ROLL MYSTERIOUSLY SHRINKS IN SIZE FOR NO APPARENT REASON
You just replaced the roll yesterday and you notice half of it is gone today. It has nothing to do with your wife’s bathroom habits or the teenage girl in the house. Just chalk it up to your very own entity sending you a signal. “Hey cheep bastard. This crap you bought in the discount bin at Walmart is killing me. Spend some money on actual paper, not burlap rolled onto a cardboard tube.” Ghosts can feel too.
4. STRANGE ODORS COMING FROM THE TOILET
Gasses produced from ectoplasmic entities often leave a residue that can be quite unpleasant. In some cases they can also be flammable and explosive. If your olfactory glands pick up anything unusual, do not light a match as is a common practice, just realize you may not be alone and let it go. Or, if you must, mask the odor with some type of scented spray. Then get out as quick as you can.
5. WATER TEMPERATURE
If, while showering or bathing, the water temperature fluctuates, you may have a ghost. Some have felt the temperature of a room drop in the presence of an apparition, and in the bathroom, this can sometimes manifest as a change in water temp. Water pressure can fluctuate also, and if you experience both at the same time, more than likely, your dead Aunt Ethel has come to visit. Make sure you wash behind the ears.
6. FACES IN THE MIRROR
A face in the mirror is a clear indication of a haunted bathroom. If you turn around and there is nothing there, you may feel like screaming. A bloody face in the mirror usually invokes some kind of primal response and you may find that you, in fact, needed the bathroom at that moment but forgot the facilities were right there. A mop and cleaning products will probably be needed next if, in fact, you can find the courage to stop screaming and return to the room.
7. PUBLIC RESTROOMS
Many folks have issues with public restrooms and for good reason. Who knows what or who used the facility prior to you and though you may only concentrate on the actual sanitary practices of the prior occupant, special attention may need to be paid to things that go bump in the night (toilet).
Toilets flushing, stall doors slamming, faucets running, all of these can be signs the lavatory may be haunted. Especially if you thought you were the only one in the place.
People have reported moaning, crying, laughing, giggling, and farting in the stall next to them only to find the unit empty upon further inspection. If this has happened to you, the thought of using a public place of potty probably fills you with dread and terror. I don’t blame you. There’s nothing like sitting in an unoccupied loo when the room temperature suddenly drops and you feel a presence that doesn’t necessarily convey solitude for your activity. My imagination would go wild. Time to finish and get the hell out.
8. PORTABLE TOILETS
John’s Jons usually don’t invoke images of comfy, quiet time alone, but when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go, and they will work in a pinch (did I actually just say that?). We’ve all seen the movies or TV shows where ‘Johnny’ is in the Jon and a car runs into it and tips it over, or a crane picks it up and tips it over, or an elephant runs into it and tips it over…you get it. It’s always being tipped over.
You’ll know the Porta Pot you’re using is haunted if it’s tipped over while you’re in it.
Harsh reality, I know, but a ghost that will haunt a portable toilet is one who is particularly pesky. Maybe they think it’s funny and there’s little humor in the afterlife for them. Just saying…
9. AN OUTHOUSE
Very similar to a portable toilet but without the portable built in. Do any of these actually exist any more? According to Wikipedia they do. The latrine, bog, KYBO, biffy, outhouse, dunny, long-drop, thunderbox, night soil, and poop pit all have ties to many parts of the world. In my mind, it’s always in the back yard of some farmhouse. And it’s never used except in the middle of the night when it’s dark and lonely. Perfect place for a poltergeist if you ask me.
If you find yourself lucky enough to experience the wonderful world of outdoor refuse maintenance, be cautious if you hear strange noises coming from the hole you’re propped over. It could be some kind of varmint looking for a late night snack, or it could be an outhouse ghost.
A cool draft blowing through your nether regions would suggest the presence of noxious fumes associated with the lack of ventilation (heck, all you get is that stupid little moon cut out of the door), but it some cases it could be some past resident of the house who didn’t find the bright light. Anyplace that still has an outhouse has to be ancient and we all know ghosts haunt old and creepy places. I’d suggest holding it if I were you.
Walmart holds a special place in the hearts of most Americans and though most have not visited that wonderful room they place right next to the layaway desk, I’ve been there and have determined it haunted. All of them. Fortunately, they are not possessed by some otherworldly demon or entity (though in some cases, those would be preferable), but are occupied by the creatures known as The People of Walmart. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just Google the term. I assure you it will be worth the time taken.
Not only is the Public Restroom at Walmart haunted by these folks, but the whole store is filled with all kinds of manifestations. It’s enough to put your head in your hands and run screaming out of the automatic doors without so much as a “Good day” given to the greeter.
The lingerie section is another place that will make you think you’re possessed. Leave and never return. I’m just warning you.
BATHROOM GHOSTS CAN BE YOUR FRIEND
Not all haunted facilities are bad. Ghosts can actually be your friends if you can just get past the fact they are invading a very private space where very private functions are performed. Preferably, I like my privacy, but if the pesky poltergeist who likes progressive potties is polite and apolitical, I would give them plenty of time to prove their point and present me with poetic versions of Playboy and Penthouse. Not that I read those in the can, but I could be persuaded if the conditions were right.
As the Boy Scouts of America say about their outdoor facilities, I’ll leave you with the definition of KYBO. It’s an acronym which they created and chant while in their KYBOs. “Keep your bowels open.”
Have a creepy day!
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